Writing Despite Depression
This blog is supposed to be about my journey in writing my dissertation. However, I haven’t updated it in two months. There is a very real reason for that. I haven’t felt like I have made any progress in my dissertation in two months. The key word in that sentence is felt. In reality, two months can’t go by working in a lab and not making progress. But sometimes that is hard to see.
July was a large struggle for me. Several events happened early in the month that were very triggering for my mental health. It took 2 weeks to reach a stable life again. Looking back it is easy for me to say I did nothing during that time. That I walked around anxious, stressed, self-loathing, and got nothing done. But that is an exaggeration, an extreme point of view. In reality, yes I functioned below my normal level. I didn’t accomplish 8 hours worth of work in a day, and often came in late or left early for mental health reasons. But that doesn’t mean I did nothing. It means I did less. But less is not nothing. Something is better than nothing even if it isn’t everything. It is hard for me to remember that.
Which is why August was so hard. I let myself believe the lies my anxiety told me, that if I have anything left on my to-do list I am a failure. Nothing I did counted as progress because it wasn’t everything. I spent August trying to do all the things I “should” have been able to accomplish in July. And then got disappointed when I couldn’t fit two months worth of work into one month. Turns out that’s impossible in graduate school because our 1 month worth of work is already a ridiculous amount of work.
Which bring me to today. Today I’m finding a balance, slowly. I’m reaching homeostasis again. I’m trying to accept my human limitations. It is important for me to focus on what I can get done, and not on what I didn’t get done.
For all of those of you who can relate to this struggle: I’m sorry. You are not alone. Getting through graduate school while also battling mental illness is hard. It takes an entirely different type of strength. But we will make it through. Please remember better than I did that even small steps can be accomplishments. For me, writing this today is an accomplishment. One thing crossed off the list! Hooray!!
8 Comments
Recommended Comments