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Writing Despite Depression


labuza

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This blog is supposed to be about my journey in writing my dissertation. However, I haven’t updated it in two months. There is a very real reason for that. I haven’t felt like I have made any progress in my dissertation in two months. The key word in that sentence is felt. In reality, two months can’t go by working in a lab and not making progress. But sometimes that is hard to see.

July was a large struggle for me. Several events happened early in the month that were very triggering for my mental health. It took 2 weeks to reach a stable life again. Looking back it is easy for me to say I did nothing during that time. That I walked around anxious, stressed, self-loathing, and got nothing done. But that is an exaggeration, an extreme point of view. In reality, yes I functioned below my normal level. I didn’t accomplish 8 hours worth of work in a day, and often came in late or left early for mental health reasons. But that doesn’t mean I did nothing. It means I did less. But less is not nothing. Something is better than nothing even if it isn’t everything. It is hard for me to remember that.

Which is why August was so hard. I let myself believe the lies my anxiety told me, that if I have anything left on my to-do list I am a failure. Nothing I did counted as progress because it wasn’t everything. I spent August trying to do all the things I “should” have been able to accomplish in July. And then got disappointed when I couldn’t fit two months worth of work into one month. Turns out that’s impossible in graduate school because our 1 month worth of work is already a ridiculous amount of work.

Which bring me to today. Today I’m finding a balance, slowly. I’m reaching homeostasis again. I’m trying to accept my human limitations. It is important for me to focus on what I can get done, and not on what I didn’t get done.

For all of those of you who can relate to this struggle: I’m sorry. You are not alone. Getting through graduate school while also battling mental illness is hard. It takes an entirely different type of strength. But we will make it through. Please remember better than I did that even small steps can be accomplishments. For me, writing this today is an accomplishment. One thing crossed off the list! Hooray!!

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Dear Iabuza,
First, consider that past is past, future is unknown (not yet come), and you have only a present day. Just focus on that day.
Second, sometimes you don’t wish to write. That is perfectly fine. Don’t force yourself. Sometimes you feel that you keep writing, writing, and writing. It is normal
Third, remember you are human being and do not stretch yourself. I don’t mean that you take your writing assignm4ents lighly. Just write 25-30 minutes a day (no phone, no lab work, no social media etc.) Just focus on writing. Don’t stuck with grammar and mistyping. You will fix them later.
Fourth, what happens if you did not complete your thesis in a projected time frame? Nothing will happen. You will be little late. That is all. No one will look down at you. It is science and it has its own path.
Fifth, remember that you are writing scientific work not a "literacy’ work. Use simple, short, and manageable phrases.
Sixth, I wish you all the best.
Baki

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Very touching. You are creating a very interesting blog with information that is essential for many graduate students finishing their thesis.
Best wishes
Jaadeja

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Thank you for sharing publicly and honestly. Many issues in graduate school have been a big challenge for me. And, it’s not what I expected. Doing the actual science is not the hardest part. Much of my struggle comes from very simple things that “should” be easy turning out to be very challenging.

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Thank you everyone for the amazing support! I’m glad I’m not alone in this. To everyone else who is struggling, keep fighting. You’ll get through it. Luckily I’m feeling better this week.

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@labuza I literally went through the same exact thing this summer. I applaud you for sharing your story as I have many colleagues who go through this too. I find it ironic that in our field we aren’t more open about it.

I had to also start SSRIs in August and seeking counseling. It has been helping a lot thankfully, and I am slowly returning to my normal, happy old self!

Remember we WILL graduate and we ARE working hard. It’s easy to forget sometimes. And it is OK to sometimes take your foot off the gas pedal. Our health is the most important, and we have to make time to take care of it. <3

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@pizbicki Starting SSRIs is the worst part. But I’m happy you are getting the help you need. But yes, we should be more open about it, especially in our field. If we can’t be accepting of it, who else can?

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